The Time I Renounced then Regained my Faith

Doubt and devotion often waged war in my mind. When you’ve been a Christian for as long as I have, you can start treating your faith more as a birthright than a blessing you didn’t deserve in the first place. Christianity has been so integral in all aspects of my life that it’s hard to imagine life without it. To some, that may come off as imprisonment. And at times, it did feel that way.

In a literal sense, it was always me against the world. From the way I dressed to how I acted both inside and outside the church, there was a higher standard I had to abide by. No matter how confusing life was, I had to have faith. And by God’s grace, I ended up receiving it and have struggled since to keep it.

The Dark Night of the Soul

When I became a Christian, there was no altar call or public expression of faith. It was during an actual “dark night of the soul.” I can remember lying in bed, full of panic, uncertainty, and suicidal thoughts that screamed louder than the deafening silence. In a desperate plea for relief, I called out to God and He heard me. I was given the peace needed to face a new day and I’ve been living ever since. Not the most exciting conversion story, but it was real nonetheless.

10 years later, I’m having a similar experience but with the opposite result. My…